Dancing

This is another piece I wrote for creative writing. It's actually a revision of a blog post I wrote a couple years ago: extended and molded a bit, but still recognizable. However, regardless of whether you were reading my blog way back then or not, I hope you enjoy this. :)

Dancing

Dip and sway and one two three and swirl and brush and watch your toes. The couples swirled about the room tentatively, watching each other closely as they attempted not to run in to the other people in the room. It was an evening ballroom dance class at the local community college, and no one with the exception of the instructor really had any idea what they were doing, my friends and I least of all. Linda and I had decided it would be great fun to take a dance class, and, of course, we couldn’t take it by ourselves. We had to find boys to go with us! So together we wheedled my brother and one other boy from our Bible study into taking with us. “Come on,” we coaxed, “It will be fun!” And with surprising ease we won them over. Showing up for the first class, we realized that the four of us (of whom I, barely twenty, was the oldest) were the only members of the class under the age of forty-five, but we (at least Linda and I) were determined to have fun anyhow. So we learned the waltz, the salsa, the foxtrot, and the tango. Only one class each, a mere taste of what each had to offer. We danced our way through the cha-cha and the mamba and, my personal favourite, the swing. Ultimately, we came away knowing a little bit about everything but not enough about anything, and with disuse even that little bit of initial knowledge soon disappeared. However, dancing did help bring home to me some important truths. For, as I learned the rules of dance, I couldn’t help but draw parallels between the core principles of dance and some of the important principles of my walk as a Christian.

First, dancing is awfully difficult when you don’t know the steps. Starting out, I felt awkward and embarrassed. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I stepped on my poor brother’s toes as often as not. However, I purposed to learn the steps by listening to the instructor, paying attention to what he said, and practicing at home as often as I got the chance. Over time, this led to improvement, and by the end of the class I was able to pick up even new dances more quickly based on the knowledge I had acquired. Similarly, in my Christian life I have had to learn the steps of walking with Jesus by studying the His Word (the Bible) as well as listening to other learners who are farther along the way than I. In this way I learn the basics of the dance He is calling me to and begin to understand the basic principles of the rhythms and steps through which He might lead me. As in dancing, this starts with the basic principles which, for dance, are where to put your feet, how to place your arms, how to listen to the music, and for Christianity include such basic concepts as our need for redemption and the grace and forgiveness of Christ. Over time, though, as these basics have been mastered more can be added to them and more difficult steps can be learned, more difficult theological concepts wrestled with. As my mom always says, God won’t show you the next thing until you’ve been obedient in this one.

This leads me directly to my second principle which is that in learning to dance I had to learn to follow my brother. This was difficult since I was pretty sure I knew what we were supposed to be doing better than he did, and I’m not too used to letting my little brother call the shots. However, the styles we were learning dictated it. You see, with the exception of a few set dances, most ballroom dance styles require the guy to call the steps. As I quickly learned, there is a very good reason for this. Namely that in most ballroom dances the girl (that would be me) is facing backwards. What this means practically is that if I tried to lead the result was almost certainly either crashing into another couple on the floor, a wall, or some other such obstacle or great frustration on the part of her partner as he tries to maneuver her around these obstacles when she won’t follow. Therefore, even when I knew all of the steps available to me, I had to learn to accept that I did not know the direction or order of the steps until Mitchell communicated them to me. Christianity, too, instructs that I must learn to follow. Again and again in Scripture Jesus calls me to “follow Him,” to “die to myself,” and to completely surrender my will to His. This is still something I struggle though, especially in those times when I haven’t heard anything and feel like a decision needs to be made right now, but I have learned (the hard way, unfortunately) that not waiting is frequently a far worse and more painful decision than deciding to go ahead and take the next step on my own.

This leads to the third principle. In dancing in order to follow my brother I had to learn to listen to his lead. This was at times a very frustrating phenomena when he wasn’t very good at communicating changes in direction in any manner other than yanking me suddenly to one side or the other or at indicating a shift in step besides simply stepping on my toes when he (seemingly randomly) switched steps. Over time, however, we learned to work together, and I could tell by a slight pressure of his hand in the small of my back that we were now going to shift to the right or by an incline of his head that we would be shifting to a turn step rather than a box. Similarly, I have learned in my walk with Christ the importance of learning to listen for His voice when I’m trying to make a decision. However, in order to do this I have to learn to hear His voice. As Jesus says in the book of Mark, his followers are recognizable by the fact that they hear and obey his voice. This comes, once again, through prayer and Bible study, through studying what He’s like and how He speaks and so familiarizing myself with Him that as soon as He begins to prompt my heart I recognize it as Him and not something else.

The fourth principle of ballroom dancing I learned was that I had to trust my partner. Our instructor emphasized repeatedly that in order to follow properly I had to lean back in to the support of Mitchell’s hand to such an extent that if he were not to hold me up I would fall. Otherwise, our instructor declared, he would be unable to truly lead. For me, this was by far the hardest lesson to learn. I was petrified to put myself in a position of uncertain footing where it felt like I might fall at any moment, and I would hold my body entirely stiff or else simply refuse to lean. My brother kept reassuring me that I could trust him, he wouldn’t let me fall. But I…. Well… Let’s just say I wasn’t so sure. Finally, though, I began to get the hang of it, resting my weight back into my brother’s hand. And, lo and behold, when I did so listening to and following his lead became exponentially easier. Rather than having to try so hard in order to feel when he was leading me one direction or the other it became second nature as my balance followed and depended on his own. In the same way, I know that I can never truly follow Christ until I give Him my everything, leaning on Him so strongly that I would entirely lose my balance without Him there to steady me. Just as this was the most terrifying part of dancing, it is the most terrifying aspect of my life as a follower of Christ. In general, I prefer to have a safety net and to keep certain things in my life that I tell him, “No, Lord, I’ll do anything you say except that.” Or “You can have all of me except for that little piece.” But that’s not true following, and I know it. Because, just like in dance, true following, full following means giving up my own sense of balance and trusting that the One I’m dancing with won’t let me fall. As my dance instructor reminded me so many times, “Fear of falling adds nothing to the dance. It only stilts it and keeps it from being everything it can be.”

As I write these pages I am transported once again to that little room in the back of the gym and the dance classes we had there. I feel once again the frustration of trying to understand, the slowness of our progress, and the dissatisfaction when, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t quite seem to get it. However, I also remember the feeling of sheer joy and pleasure when we finally got it right, becoming one unit as we moved across the floor and dancing in unison with the music with my balance resting totally on his hand and my skirt twirling around my legs as he spun me out and back in. It is similar feelings which I enjoy in my relationship with Christ. Yes, just like in dance, my learning curve is sometimes slow, and I struggle to learn the steps. I get frustrated with myself for my failures and am resistant and fall. I miss steps and stumble and generally make a mess of things at times to the extent that I just want to quit. And, sometimes, no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get it right. There are days when life is so dark that I can’t see His face to reassure me and my heart is so numb that I can’t feel His hand guiding me, when the tears run down my cheeks because it just hurts so badly to move, to breathe. But at those times I remember the moments of Beauty, those moments of inexpressible Joy which take my breath away with sheer wonder at the beauty of my Savior, the love He has for me, and the delight He takes in me. And I keep dancing.

Kids, Dragons, and World Domination

The following is a paper I recently wrote for a Creative Nonfiction class. As of right now, I'm having difficulty finding additional time in my crazy life for blogging. So, I thought I would simply start posting some of the things I have written past and present for school, starting with my creative writing class although I may eventually move on to other things I have especially enjoyed writing. So, with that in mind, enjoy this piece of narrative/memoir writing about the craziness of my many younger siblings. :)

Kids, Dragons, and World Domination

“Someday, I’m going to rule the world.”

“What?”

“When I grow up I am going to rule the world. I will be the king of America! And I will blow up China...”

“Ummm... Okay. Why would you want to do that?”

“I don’t know... Just because. And then I want to retire and work at 7-Eleven. . . And have all the icees I want!”

My brother was about six years old and already had big plans for his life: rule the world, blow up China, and work at 7-eleven. Yep, he was definitely going big places! And while this conversation (which occurred, entirely randomly, one day while we were simply sitting around the kitchen table) could be taken as an isolated incident, it’s not. My younger siblings, as a group, seem to possess a strange and slightly disturbing obsession with the topics of power and destruction...

* * *

“Ow! Naithen! Stop it! Ah!” *sobs*

Hurrying in from the other room I surveyed the scene in front of me: Natylee, two years old at the time, sat sobbing with a large red mark on her arm while Naithen (four) sat beside her apparently playing innocently with the pile of duplos before him. Scooping her up I turned to face him.

“Naithen, what happened to Natylee?”

“I pinched her.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“That’s not an acceptable answer.”

*silence*

*exasperated* “Naithen, you need to apologize to your sister right now!”

“ . . . No.”

As my frustration with the situation rose I realized that I needed to get him to his bed quickly before I did something I would regret. “Go to your bed right now.”

There was no noticeable response.

“Naithen! Bed. NOW.”

Reluctantly he stood to his feet and shuffled slowly back to his bedroom. Turning my attention back to the sniffling child in my arms (the sobs had subsided as she watched my dealings with her brother) I got her a cup of milk and put a movie on for her while I regained my cool before dealing with her miscreant brother. Finally, I headed back to his room where I found him sitting quietly on his bed, apparently lost in thought.

“Naithen, the way you were treating Natylee was unkind and unacceptable. You have to be nice to her. She’s just a baby, and she needs you to protect her. Do you understand that?”

*silence*

“Naithen, I’m going to have to spank you for hurting your sister.”

He finally turned his big, blue eyes to me and responded "But . . . I am sad because we are all going to die." (He wouldn't be changing the subject now, would he?)

His ploy worked, and, although still frustrated with him, I melted. "Oh, Naithen, you don't need to worry about dying because if you love Jesus you will just go to be with Him when you die."

He sniffled, "Yes, but my body will still be dead."

"Well, that's true, but eventually Jesus will raise it up and give you a new and better body!"

Suddenly, his entire demeanor changed as he responded enthusiastically, “Yes! And then I can be a dragon!!!!”

At this point I had to leave the room to restrain my laughter before returning to dealing with the issue at hand (the mistreatment of his little sister).

* * *

Dragons seem to be a fairly common theme in the conversation of my little brothers and sisters. My youngest sister, in fact, is going through a bit of a dragon obsession right now. You see, my brothers have a large collection of toy knights. This Christmas, that collection grew to include several dragons and a bevy of princesses (the latter were actually given to my sister because they had been begging for some time to be more included in their brothers’ games and wanted girls to play with, of course). My youngest sister is two years old now, and very independent. She, in fact, would far rather play with the knights all by herself than have her brothers or sisters interfere with her games, and her imagination can keep her games going for hours. One day, then, she was observed playing the following game with her knights:

A troop of about 15 knights, seated proudly on their horses, parade in a stately row across the play room and away from the castle. Suddenly, though they begin screaming as the dragons begin swooping down on them, snatching them from their horses and throwing them to the group, where, of course, the screaming stops. The horses, witnessing the carnage created by the dragon horde, but not themselves yet victims of the dragons’ wrath, begin screaming too “Aaahhh!!! Help!!! Princesses! Save us!! Ahh! Help us! Princesses!”

The response to this outcry is swift as a group of princesses suddenly emerges from the castle and flies over to the battle field. The princesses, instantly catching sight of the dragons and assessing the situation at hand take immediate action, “Shoo, Dragons! Shoo! Go home!”

The dragons, who apparently live in dread fear of princesses, directly leave their prizes and fly off to some distant part of the play room, never to be heard of again in this game.

The princesses, apparently quite satisfied with their work, mount the knights horses and ride cheerily back to the castle singing “Jingle Bells” as they go and leaving the hapless (and apparently dead) knights lying strewn about on the ground.

My friend Tamara, having watched this entire procedure, asked my sister, “Leisy girl, why did the dragons kill all the knights?”

With an exasperated sigh, Eilyse responded, “Well, the dragons were hungry. They had to eat!” As if Tamara’s questions were clearly ridiculous and one of the silliest inquiries she had every received.

* * *

Children, in fact, frequently find adults and their questions silly. We are in their eyes extremely gullible creatures, and they live to exploit that gullibility (see the first dragon story above). Surely, they think, if I can just figure our how to say this in just the right way she’ll buy it. Sometimes, though, their attempts at manipulating the silly adults can be quite entertaining to those very same adults. I had one of these encounters with my little sister this past summer. . .

“Kyndra, let me stir. Pleeease, Kyndra!” I was sitting at the stove stirring pudding, waiting for it to thicken so that I could work on getting some of the other things done on my rather lengthy to-do list that day. Standing at my feet was my three year old sister, pestering me to let her help, something I was a bit loathe to do since pudding has a tendency to get quite lumpy quite easily and I didn’t quite trust her little arms to have the strength to efficiently stir a half-gallon of it.

“No, Natylee, not right now. Let me do it.”

Apparently finally accepting my answer, she turned and walked from the room. Not two minutes later, however, she returned, dragging a large barstool behind her with the clear intention of using it to stand on to stir the pudding.

“Natylee, take that barstool back to the other room. You cannot be up here right now.”
“What barstool?”
“The one you’re standing in front of.” (Important to note is the fact that the barstool was, in fact, taller than her, and standing in front of it did little to nothing toward obscuring it from view)
Moving out from in front of the barstool, she looked at it, then back at me and said, quite simply, “What barstool? I don’t see a barstool. You don’t see a barstool…. There is no barstool…”
Shocked by her ingenuity and attempted Jedi mind tricks, I nevertheless quickly regained my equilibrium. “Yes, Natylee,, there is a barstool. I do see it, and you need to take it back to the other room.”
*sigh* “Fine.” And with that she finally gave up (for a few minutes, at least) her attempts at the pudding.

* * *

This same sister has a young man whom she has been planning to marry for about two years now, since she was two and he was three. His future life plans are to be a world dictator, and, for the most part, she’s alright with this. Although, her plans to differ just a bit. As she explained to some of my friend when they were over one day:
“And then, I will grow up, and I will marry Nate.”
“And then you’re going to conquer the world, right Natylee?”
"Uh. NO! Then, we are going to make babies… Then conquer the world.”
"Oohhh…. Right.”

* * *

What does one even do with a cast of children whose minds are so cunning and vicious? Who wish to be dragons, willingly sacrifice entire armies of knights to feed dragons, have already begun to experiment with Jedi mind tricks and other brain-washing techniques, and have plans for future world domination. But maybe it’s not so serious. Yes, the stories start to add up, but they’re just kids, right? I mean, it’s just the silly things they say, and they’ll grow out of it as they get older?
Maybe. Or maybe not, as I remember the time Naithen prayed that the wolves would come and eat his whole family because he was mad at them… Or the time Layne and Lance constructed elaborate “girl traps” along the path of the zipline, reinforcing them with rows of sticks they’d sharpened to points . . . And as I contemplate these things I hear echoing through the house my littlest sister’s cry “Where’s my minion!?! I need my minion!!!”

Then again, perhaps, we should be concerned after all…

On my love of C.S. Lewis

"The fellow-pupil can help more than the master because he knows less. The difficulty we want him to explain is one he has recently met. The expert met it so long ago that he has forgotten. He sees the whole subject, by now, in such a different light that he cannot conceive what is really troubling the pupil; he sees a dozen other difficulties which ought to be troubling him but aren't" ~ C.S. Lewis in Reflections on the Psalms

I can't recall if I've ever mentioned it here or not, but I love C.S. Lewis. As, a professor of literature, a powerful writer and thinker, and a passionate and outspoken lover of Christ he serves as one of my role models and inspiration in life, and, as far as authors go, he is undoubtedly my favourite. Whether fiction or nonfiction, his prose simply makes me happy through its beauty, its eloquence, and its ability to make me think. In fact, I think the above quote summarizes much of what I find appealing about his work: he is a fellow student and disciple of Christ, learning to follow Him in a way that is faithful, powerful, and true, but he experiences many of the same struggles and difficulties I have along the way. As I read his works, I learn from someone else who has traveled the same path I have (although, his journey was also in many ways different from my own), and he sometimes manages to give voice to some of my thoughts, emotions, and longings which I myself have been unable to properly articulate.

If I were to make a list of people I wish were still around so that I could simply sit and talk with them, he would be on it, and I hope that someday in heaven I get the opportunity for a conversation with him (presuming we're not both too busy simply worshipping Jesus and delighting in finally being able to see Him face to face and bask in His presence... Cause that will be absolutely amazing!).

Do you have any particular authors in your life who do this for you? Who, when you read their work, make you you think "Here's someone who thinks like I do!"?

Of Knights, Dragons, and Princesses

I think children, at least the ones in my family, have to be the most creative creatures on earth. For example: my youngest sister is only two years old, and one of her very favourite things to do is play with her brothers' toy knights. These knights are each about two to three inches tall and outfitted with incredibly detailed armour and weapons, and our brothers collection also includes such characters as horses, pirates, faeries, princesses, and, of course dragons. The other day she was playing with these in the play room while a group of us older girls was working in the kitchen. In the course of her game, and entire troupe of knights on horseback made a journey from one end of the room to the other. In the course of this journey they were attacked by several dragons who, apparently, slaughtered the entire company. The horses of the fallen knights immediately let out a cry for help, yelling "Help! Save us! Princesses! Help us!" Almost as soon as they began this cry it was answered by a group of princesses from the castle who swiftly shooed the dragons away, mounted the horses, and rode them back to the castle singing "Jingle Bells" as they went.

Such storylines and others featuring even greater creativity are not uncommon in her games or in the games of the other children in my home. On a daily basis they invent fantasies worthy of any fairytale writer out of thin air, bending the rules of reality to their own little whims. True, their stories lack the complexity of a great novel, but they contain all of the raw imagination one could possibly desire. Mine were the same when I was little. I can remember spending hours in the car with my siblings constructing our own fantasy worlds and characters with complex histories, laws, and personalities all their own.

What happens to this imagination as we get older? And how is it that some people are able to retain and focus it to become great authors and storytellers while others seem to lose it entirely? Perhaps the key to being a truly great fiction author (at least of fantasy) is to foster and grow a connection with the imagination and wonder of the inner child and that same ability which allows children to enjoy games of make-believe that last for hours, days, or even weeks on end or to invent and maintain imaginary friends who each possess unique personalities and characters.

Pie Conundrums...

Have you ever tried to bake a pie which accommodated for the tastes, dietary needs, preferences, etc. of fourteen people? It's not easy, not easy at all. As I contemplated my pie options for this weekend these are just some of the things I attempted to take into consideration: Coffee makes one sister nauseous, another dislikes coconut, a third can't have peanut products, and a brother recently was placed on a diet which forbids nuts, fruit, or whole grains (such as... Oatmeal!). Another brother has a strange abhorrence to raisins, and my father is currently off of sugar (an aspect I'm not trying to work around, per se, but I am trying to avoid making any of his favourite pies in an attempt to not be too terribly cruel). Additionally, my parents have recently placed stricter limits on our budget, meaning that ideally I needed to make this pie from ingredients already in the house rather than purchasing any additional supplies. As I looked through my cookbook trying to take all of these things into account, I struggled. What to do? How to create something lovely and tasty (but, for Daddy's sake, not too lovely and tasty) out of the supplies already in the pantry which my brother could still eat on his new (rather restrictive) diet... I had purchased a half-gallon of buttermilk a week or so ago for another pie I baked (A Blueberry-Maple Pie with Cornmeal Crust. There was buttermilk in the crust.), so I thought I would simply use what was left of that and make a simple buttermilk pie.

However, apparently various younger siblings of mine have been using my buttermilk without first reading the label for such things as coffee creamer or a condiment on cereal and oatmeal. This, as might be supposed, has resulted in both some rather unhappy siblings (buttermilk and milk don't exactly have the same flavour. One sister informed me that the nasty stuff I had in the fridge had curdled her tea!) and a shortage of buttermilk needed to make a pie. After flipping through my recipes a couple more times and wracking my brain for ideas, however, I decided that it would be worth it to measure the remainder of the buttermilk. Maybe, just maybe, there would be enough. So, measure I did, and, lo and behold there was exactly one cup of buttermilk, just enough to make one of the buttermilk pie recipes in my book. Therefore, I determined to create that pie.

The result was not the best of the pies I've made so far, but it was quite tasty and decently pretty. Crafted with lemon juice and a touch of nutmeg it had a spongy, souffle-type top layer slightly golden brown in color with a little extra nutmeg sprinkled on top for garnish, and the flavour resembled a slightly spicy lemon custard. While it doesn't appear to have won any awards for "Favourite Pie," it was gobbled up pretty quickly by my various testers (which I figure is always a good sign!) and got a thumbs up from tonight's special guest, an old friend who I haven't seen in several months and whose conversation on life, school, student ministry, and the work God has been doing in Norman all added even greater enjoyment to the evening's pie consumption.

In other words, I declare my solution to the pie conundrum not a smashing success, but certainly satisfactory. :)

Pies Thus Far

I've now been out of school for nearly a month, and my pie baking skills have come a long way. I've made apple pies and blueberry, pecan and pumpkin, chocolate chip cookie and meringue, double crust and single, and many things in between. Almost every night for the past three weeks I have baked pies, and they have all been delicious (if I do say so myself!). Favourites thus far according to my faithful tasters have been the butterscotch pecan pie, the chocolate chip cookies pie, and the blueberry maple pie with cornmeal crust! Apple pies are also generally always a hit. I have pictures of most of my creations, but, unfortunately, none of them are currently on my computer. So, they will have to wait to be posted until I can reclaim them from the various cameras and hard-drives on which they are currently being stored.

As my break comes to an end, I still have five pies left to bake before I return to school, and after that I will be limited to weekend pies until the end of the term (attempting to bake a pie in my dorm's small communal kitchen simply does not sound like an especially enjoyable experience!). So, since I have been so inconsistent in recording my pie adventures up to this point ( a fact which I attribute largely to the amount of time I have spent crafting Christmas and birthday gifts for my family over the break), I will try to more faithfully record these remaining few. No promises though!

Now, I must away to create tonight's masterpiece: Pecan-Caramel Apple Pie (and a Rum Cake!). Let the New Year's festivities begin! :)

New Year's Resolutions: 2011 Edition

Once again, it's New Year's Eve and time to make New Year's resolutions!
To be perfectly honest, I don't even remember what mine were last year... But I'm fairly certain that I failed in keeping them! Funny, isn't it, how that always happens?
Well, this year I'm writing them down. Right here. On the internet. For everyone to see. Will that help me keep them? Probably not... But maybe!
So, what are my resolutions this year? I think I shall come up with eleven in honor of the year 2011. And, with that, here it goes:

Firstly, I plan to graduate college. Again. That one should be decently easy to accomplish. Only one semester to go!

Secondly, I will continue my pie-baking endeavors until I have reached a far greater mastery of the art of the pie! (I have, however, made significant progress along those lines this month. I will try to make a post about that later today!)

Thirdly, I will learn to knit. Currently I am decently proficient at crocheting and enjoy making things for others that brings smiles to the faces of those I love. However, I'm not much good at knitting and would very much like to improve my skills in that area.

Fourthly, every year I read many books but have forgotten what most of them were by the time the year is complete. This year, I would like to keep a list of the books I read and at least short reviews of them. That way in the years to come I'll know whether I ought to recommend and/or reread them or not!

Fifthly, I want to get my passport and travel out of the country. I've never left the United States except for a couple day trips to Canada when we lived up there, and I'd like to see something a little more outside of my everyday world.

Sixthly, I want to go on a mission trip. This may or may not go along with resolution seven since I know many mission trips are within the country, but I have never been on one domestic or international and would dearly love to go.

Seventhly (not a word, I know, but it provides nice parallelism), I think I'd like to try my hand at the whole NaNoWriMo next year. My sister has now participated in it two years in a row, and each time I've been inspired to try it for myself. I'm not normally much of a fiction writer. I prefer to write my research papers and article reviews and such, but I'd like to try at least once. So, since this year I won't be in school, and, therefore, (in theory) not quite as busy, I think I shall see what I can do!

Eighthly, my piano has been a bit out of use this past year. In the coming year, I will start practicing it again and work on regaining my proficiency. I would like to have at least four challenging songs memorized by the end of 2011 (I'm going with a low number... Let's not be too ambitious!).

Ninthly, I plan to read through the whole Bible at least once. It's been awhile since I've done that, and there are parts which I simply am not so familiar with any more. I want to be familiar with them and to take this opportunity to learn more about the God I love and serve and to draw nearer to Him than I have ever been before.

Tenthly, I plan to memorize a book of the Bible. Which one? I haven't decided yet, but I'm thinking probably 1 Peter. I'd also like to memorize Psalm 119. And maybe Ecclesiastes? There are just so many excellent choices!

Eleventhly, and finally, I plan to figure out to next step in my life. More school? Teacher certification? A job? Or something else entirely? I'm coming to a new chapter in my life now, and I plan to take this next year to spend some much needed time in prayer and consideration of the next step God has for me. It's both exciting and terrifying, but I know that He has plans for my life, and I can't wait to find out what those might be!

So, this year will be a year of many things: of learning new skills and polishing old ones, of new experiences on multiple fronts, and of focusing on growing my relationship with God and discovering the next step He has in store for me. I'm thinking it will most certainly be an adventure worth writing about!

Peering Through the Mist

"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." ~ I Corinthians 12:12-13 (The Message)

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." ~ I Corinthians 12:12-13 (ESV)

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." ~ 1 Corinthians 12:12-13 (KJV)

Do you ever have days in your life where you feel like the path is totally obscured and you have no idea where you're going? Do you ever have says where you feel like God is out of reach and no matter how hard you seek Him He is simply not to be found even though you know that in truth He is right by you side? I know that I do. And during those times, I find comfort in knowing that this is not my home, that the fog I travel through and the things I see now are only a faint shadow of what's to come, even though for now they may be all I can see.

A while back as I was struggling with these things, these verses kept coming to my mind. So, I looked them up. I got online. I looked them up in more versions. I took them to heart and was encouraged by them. The Message is not normally a version of the Bible I read; I realize that it is not necessarily a reliable interpretation of the Scripture. However, there are times when I like to see how it has phrased things, just for something a bit different, and this is one of those times I'm glad I did. I love the way The Message translation deals with this verse, and am inspired by it to change the name of my blog. So, I am changing it, and soon I will put together a new header, but for right now I'm simply going to change the title, and, probably the direction of this blog a bit. I have several posts mulling over in my mind right now that hopefully will find their way here soon (maybe once finals and school papers are out of the way for a bit). Until then, it is my hope that you will all "Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly."

A Post of Thanksgiving

I just realized that yesterday's post was a bit depressing and thought I should strive to give a bit more about the positive side of life as well. :)

Although this semester has been rough in many ways, I am just as confident now as I was when it began that I am where God wants me. School has been a blessing in many ways this semester. I've enjoyed all of my classes even though they've been challenging at times, and I've made lots of new friends who I look forward to getting to know better next semester! :) God has also been using the struggles He's sent me this semester to help me grow, and while growing is at times painful it is a good thing!

On this day before Thanksgiving, I am, indeed, thankful for so many things in my life. I'm thankful for friends and family who love me, pray for me, and encourage me. I'm thankful for our soldiers who are willing to sacrifice their holidays with family to defend our country. I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to school, get an education, and study the things I love. I'm thankful for professors who are willing to work with me when I need to spend time at home with my family. And, most of all, I'm thankful for a sovereign God who loves me and is working all things together for my good and His glory and for the wonderful love He has displayed through His son, Jesus Christ. I'm thankful that He is patient and kind with our frailties and loves us no matter what. He is, indeed, an Awesome God!

May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with much love and many blessings!

"In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Life's Craziness!

Well, it has been a full month since my last post, and what a month it has been! Truly, I think this last month has been one of the hardest I've struggled through in my life emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. School has been more challenging this semester than it has been in the past, and when you combine that with other events taking place in life I've just been absolutely exhausted!
As of now, I'm on Thanksgiving break, almost to the end of the semester! After break, I have one week of classes left: 1 final paper and 3 final exams. Fun stuff! Anyhow, I'm sorry for neglecting my blog this past month, and will try to be more consistent with it over Christmas break. For now, I'll leave you with a song that has really been resonating with me lately:

Hold My Heart
by Tenth Avenue North

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

Ramblings on Various and Random Aspects of Life

Soo... I am discovering the joys of being an English major. Namely, papers galore! Right now I have four large papers I'm working on formulating in addition to a short essay due on Monday. I must admit, I love studying for papers and doing the research, but actually writing them is a bit stressful at times!

I just finished writing a research paper on Abigail Adams and am working on another on Harriet Beecher Stowe (or, possibly, Catherine Beecher. However, information on her is harder to come by!)for an advanced American History class I'm in. Additionally, I am beginning to do research on Anne Bradstreet's struggles with doubt as depicted in her poetry for my American Literature I class, trying to formulate a topic for a paper relating to the linguistic history of the English language, and starting to formulate ideas for a large paper comparing Christianity to other world religions for my World Though Class (side note: the topics for just any and all of these major papers could change at any time since they are still in the very early stages). Fortunately, my experiment in time management is going well, and I've had a lot more time for studying this week. Yay! :)

Additionally, I'm getting involved with a couple of Bible studies here on campus. One (the one I've already gone to) is on the Bible and Pop Culture, and in it we're learning how to be discerning and evaluate the culture and entertainment around us from a Biblical World view. So far, it's looking very promising, and I'm very excited about it! The other study is meeting for the first time tonight, and in that one we're going through the book "Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life" by Donald S. Whitney. That one looks like it will be pretty great too, and I'm sure I'll be picking up on all sorts of fascinating things to share with those of you who occasionally read my blog.

I have some other things I'd like to post on soon, things which are a bit more musings and less ramblings, but for now I've got to head to Bible study!

Life Means So Much

So, lately I've been musing a lot on how to spend my time more wisely. Since coming to school, I've found that my tendency to just kind of piddle away my life (especially in computer related ways) seems to have gotten worse. Afte two nights of being up way too late writing last minute essays combined with the sermon I listened to yesterday about making wise choices with our time. I have decided that something must be done. Action must be taken. Therefore, to attain this end, I wrote out a list yesterday of things that I'm going to give up for the week and things which I am going to purpose to include in my weekly schedule. One of those things is writing at least once, maybe twice a week in this blog. :) Other things include more exercise, Scripture memorization, a more disciplined schedule of Scripture reading and prayer, and a more regular study routine (hopefully resulting in no more 3 a.m. papers!). On a final note, I'm going to leave you with a song by Chris Rice (one of my favourite artists). May you all have a blessed week and spend your time wisely in service to Christ. Remember, He gave His life for us. How will we spend the precious time He's given us?

Life Means So Much - By Chris Rice
Everyday is a journal page
Every man holds a quill and ink
And there’s plenty of room for writing in
All we do and believe and think
So will you compose a curse
Or will today bring the blessings
Fill the page with rhyming verse
Or some random sketchings

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
Somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Life means so much
Life means so much

Everyday is a bank account
And time is our currency
So no one’s rich, nobody’s poor
We get twenty-four hours each
So how are you gonna spend
Will you invest or squander
Try to get ahead
Or help someone who’s under

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
Somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Life means so much
Life means so much

Has anybody lived who knew the value of a life?
And don’t you think giving his own
Would prove the worth of yours and mine?

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
Somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Life means so much
Life means so much

My vacation to Michigan was wonderful! We went kayaking, hiking, canoeing, and shopping in the beautiful forests of northern Michigan, and I got to spend some wonderful time with Tamara and her family. We ended up staying a bit longer than we had planned in order that Tamara could have more time with her grandmother, which was a good thing. The road trip was lots of fun too. We had two days up there and two days back and both directions we read aloud to eachother and listened to books on tape (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Elizabeth Gaskell, G.K. Chesterton, Edgar Allen Poe), did crossword puzzles, played games on her iPod touch, and just generally had some good girl-talk time. :D On our way there we stayed at a little bed and breakfast in Hannibal, MO, the hometown of Mark Twain and Molly Brown, and on our way back we drove through St. Louis and saw the arch. All around, it was an incredible trip. Everything up there was soo picturesque, and I hope that one day I can visit again. :)

Now I'm back home, getting back into the groove of life here, catching up on e-mail, facebook, etc. (we didn't have any real internet in MI), and getting ready for school to start back. I'm very excited for school to start, looking forward to a new school, new classes, and hopefully making lots of wonderful new friends. I'm getting to the point where I'm really ready for classes to start, excited to begin learning all sorts of wonderful new things, and looking forward to seeing what God has for me on this path He's been leading me down!

My Anxious Heart

I have a confession to make. I am a stresser. I stress over all sorts of decisions, big and small, and oftentimes allow that stress to steal much of the peace and joy which I might otherwise find in life (not to mention my health!). This is something which God has been dealing with my on quite a bit the last few months as I've been struggling to make some important decisions (as well as some not so important ones, lol.) In my quite times with Him He's given me verses like Psalm 37:7a "Do not fret," and Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let you requests be made known to God." My mother has addressed this issue with me as well, telling me that I stress too much over everything. So, I'm working on it. Although, it's certainly not easy. I feel like my conversations with the Lord have been going something like this:
"Father, I'd really appreciate your guidance on this decision. It's stressing me a lot, and I need to decide. I have a deadline!"
"It's alright. Just trust in me. You've told me my request, now wait for me to answer it."
"But, Lord, I have a deadline!"
"Yes, I heard you."
"But, but, the deadline's soon! And it's an important decision!"
"I know. Don't worry. You'll have your answer when you need it."
So, we'll have this conversation for awhile. Then, I'll begin to think I may have an answer, and I'll start stressing over that.
"Are You sure that's the right decision, Lord? I don't know... The other option looks pretty good too. Are You telling me this, or am I just thinking it on my own? Is this guidance from You, or just my own thoughts and emotions and feelings, etc. playing tricks on me?"
Fortunately, He is faithful and patient with me. He does give me my answers when I need them, and, slowly but surely, He is shaping me and teaching me, calming my anxious heart. :)
Thus it is that I have made some big decisions lately about my school, living situation, etc. which will likely have a significant impact on my life in the next couple of years, and I am excited (though still a bit nervous as well) to see what He is going to do with it all!

On a separate note, I am leaving on a nearly two week vacation to Michigan on Wednesday and while there will have very little internet capability. Therefore, I will likely be neglecting this poor blog even more than usual, but maybe I'll have some fun things to post from my trip when I get back!

Spiritual Lessons Gleaned from a Severe Case of Poison Ivy :)

Well, I'm finally finished with school for the semester. Yay! In fact, I'm finished at this school for forever. I have graduated and am preparing to transfer to a new university in the fall, exciting stuff! Beyond that, I haven't really decided what to blog over... I've considered the spiritual object lessons I've gleaned from my little brother's poison ivy (there are at least two. Don't you love it when God teaches you things even where you don't expect it?), I've considered a post on my summer plans (which aren't terribly exciting at this point), and I've considered a post on the wedding I attended last night (It was beautiful!). I think, however, that I'm going to go with the Spiritual lessons I've gleaned from my brother's poison ivy.

My six year old brother has poison ivy very badly. Currently, it is on the underside if both arms, on his abdomen, on his neck, on his cheeks, and all around both eyes (one eye is practically swollen shut by the poison ivy!). It is really quite sad to look at, however, I do have limited sympathy for him, for two reasons. First, he was relatively sure it was poison ivy when he picked it up. You see, he is one of those children who really doesn't comprehend the fact that he can be injured, despite the fact that he is on a relatively routine basis. He was out in the woods on our back property playing with some of my older siblings when he came running to my sister (12) with a three-leafed plant in his hand. "Look, Kay! Is this poison ivy? I think it's poison ivy."
"Yes, Layne, I think it probably is poison ivy, but I'm not really sure."
"Ooo... Look! I have poison ivy in my hand! I can rub it on my arm and it doesn't hurt me!"
"Layne, you should probably put that down."
"Hmm.. Okay!" and off he runs. Now, as I said, I've drawn a couple of Spiritual lessons from his experience. The first is that frequently we place ourselves in tempting situations because "I can handle it. It won't hurt me." However, frequently those situations do end up hurting us, sometimes in ways we don't fully comprehend until sometime later. Thus, Scripture tells us to FLEE temptation, not to flirt with it.

So, you might be wondering what the second lesson I've gotten from my brother's poison ivy is. Well, he did (obviously) eventually develop the poison ivy rash. However, initially it was only a patch on his arm (where he'd rubbed the plant, go figure!). However, despite the warnings of multiple others - myself, my mother, my father and other older experienced people (O, yes I'm experienced! you should have seen my poison ivy last year! I know what I'm talking about here!) - he itched. Now, something many of you may not know about poison ivy is that once the rash appears the oils of the poison ivy have actually bonded to the molecular structure of your skin. This means that, although you cannot spread the rash to other people, you can quickly spread it ALL OVER yourself if you itch, and he itched. Not only did he itch, he itched then rubbed his eyes which means that now he has poison ivy all over both eye-lids (it's quite a sad sight to behold). Now, what spiritual lesson did I learn from this? Sin spreads. Once you have a sin in your life, that sin takes hold, and it is extremely hard to get rid of it on your own. You might think you know how to handle it, you might think that itching it feels good, it helps to relieve the pain, but really you need help. You need to seek out and listen to the advice of your spiritual elders and mentors, you need to saturate yourself with Scripture, and you need to seek the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Because, once you've fallen in to a particular sin, you're usually far more drawn to do it again. It is, so to speak, bonded to your DNA. Satan has a foothold and, given the opportunity, he'll be more than happy to take advantage of it.

Thus, these are the deep Spiritual lessons I've gleaned from my brother's poison ivy. That, and some slightly less Spiritual lessons as well. Namely, if you see a plant you believe to be poison ivy, don't pick it and rub it up and down your arm. It's really not a good idea at all. lol.